On How to Get What You Need

Asking for help is hard when we’ve programmed to think that any notion of needing another person is a sign of weakness and failure. Most of us have some blocks around this, and it’s a healthy tension to have. When do we know if we are just trying to get out of a challenging situation and when are we being so stubborn that we are actually self-sabotaging our success by doing it alone? The root of both these problems is the same. Two sides of the same coin. Etcetera.

They both stem from a sense of insecurity in ourselves, and manifest in unhealthy attachments to people and our supports around us.

Next time you’re afraid to ask for help, it might be helpful to figure out why you’re afraid to ask. Usually, when we are afraid to ask for help it’s because we are afraid that person will reject me and say no. And so, by not asking for help (which means no one can actually help), we reinforce the belief we have about the world.

Unfortunately, the only way we can learn how to practice healthy attachments is by actually practicing it with real, live people. Trust me, I know, it’d be way easier if we could just read and write about this stuff and then aquire the skills. But! It doesn’t have to be super painful.

The Convo

Him: Maybe some time I will ask if you can meet with me to show me how to do this thing.

Me: What if you just asked me now?

Him: Oh. Right now? Okay. Do you think you would have some time to help me with this thing?

Me: (Laughing) Now can you ask me like you know I will always say yes and not this bullshit of asking if I maybe have time for you?

Him: Okay. When will you have time to help me with this in the next week?

Me: Much better.

Ask me like you know I will always say yes.

On a Saturday morning work call with a friend and collaborator/work partner, we transitioned from the logistics of the call (sorting out an agenda for our next training) to the real business. The part where we have to check in on our working and friendship relationship. When we talk about these things, I can feel a hush in our voice. We both become gentler, more mindful of our words. Years ago, I would have said that this softening in our voice was lacked authenticity…the realness. I would be salivating for the raw and recklessness of anger and frustration. Those are the tones that I have known the most when in conflict. They are soothing and affirming of the negative beliefs I hold abou the world.

He has taught me this quietness, even if he doesn’t know that he has. The measured and slow talking. The deep breaths to listen and to take in. The slowing down of a conflict. To break it apart and to find the one sentence to describe and identify what is really standing between us.

“i can stretch myself to him.”

When I can remind myself that his inability to complete this action is not because he isn’t committed or doesn’t care, but because he is afraid of asking for help, I can stretch myself to him. I stay out of my shell. I elongate my spine. I listen for the way he fumbles over the simplest of words, and I can hear him stretching. The pause between his words tell me that this is new. These aren’t words he has put together before and there is his commitment in his willingness to adapt.

And there, in both of us in our adaptations, we both get what we need. He gets the reassurance that when he asks for help, he will be met with a yes. And I get to see in action how someone is willing to stick around on their commitments. Different sides of the same coin.

What side of the coin are you? Are you afraid to ask for help? Or on the other side viewing anyone’s struggle with action as a lack of commitment?