On Shame Moving Out By Tuesday

Phew.

72 hours later. I wish I could say that by posting on Sunday about shame that I coudl have avoided its dread, but nope. It took me out of for a spin on Monday night.

I’m not sure what shame does to your body and mind, but here are my symptoms:

• Pit in my stomache

• Lump in my throat

• Unquenchable thirst

• Lost of appetite or insatiable hunger

• All over body shaking

Inability to regulate body temperature (too hot, too cold)

I made it through the night by watching episodes of House, listening to Harry Potter on audibooks, and telling myself over and over again “these are just thoughts. this is anxiety. you are alive. you are okay.”

The hardest part about dipping into a spiral in the middle of the night is that you are taught that disturbing others when they are sleeping is unking and impolite. So what gets you out of your shame (telling someone what you are feeling) is exactly what you can’t do. So then loneliness creeps in and all you have to bring you comfort is this familiar feeling of unforgiveness, inadequacy and heaviness.

I haven’t had one of these moments in years. And so I guess, while I was feeling all of these things, and where in the past it would have felt so familiar, now it didn’t. It’s like the first days of a cold, when you think hmmm, this isn’t right. Why is this liquid coming out of my nose? Yhy does my head hurt? Why do my bones ache? I knew that this feeling was not me. It was something passing through me. It was a temporary feeling that I had to work my way through.

The only medicine would be to go through the steps. Even when it felt like the night was never going to end, not running or hiding in the moment, doesn’t allow for those negative attitudes to settle into your insides.

When shame becomes an unwelcomed guest in your home, it’s much easier to recognize that it has no place in your day to day life. So when it’s time to kick it out, you feel more than ready.