How did you come by this podcast?
Many folks know Esther Perel from her couples’ therapy podcast. It’s one of those podcasts that I’ve been subscribed to for months, but never actually listened to. When I heard her on the Armchair Expert talking about her new podcast about work relationships, I knew that I’d be tuning in.
I’ll start here. The worst thing about this podcast is that I can’t seem to figure out when each new episode is released and it’s on Spotify. I use Apple Music for all things audio, so I also have to remember to check for it.
But let me tell you, when I do remember, the shit is gooooooood Like I have to keep myself from live texting to the stories and insights to friends.
Why now?
More and more I am seeing how our“relationship dowry,” as Perel refers to it, is at the crux of all transformation within organizations. I see leader after leader who are in getting through all of their to-do lists and wrapping everything into a pretty little bow, but if just one relationship is off with their team; they can never quite get their work to move from good to excellent.
I want to learn more about how to hold a mirror to our personal and past relationships as a way to reimagine our new relationships.
Thoughts?
Our workplaces are where we go to work through our personal shit. The idea that any of us can “hang up our baggage” when we come to work is a bunch of bs and oppressive. If you’re a member of a marginalized group, hanging up your stuff means a whole lot more. I haven’t seen a hook heavy enough to carry the weight of it.
What do you mean? I put on a smile when I go to work everyday. Fake it, ‘til you make it!
Sure.
Going into work with a smile doesn’t mean that you aren’t passive aggressive to the colleague that reminds you of your mother, or that you aren’t patronizing to your boss that reminds you of your underachieving little sister who can’t get motivated off the couch. It just means that you are doing whatever it takes (smiling and white knuckling) to get yourself through the day. It doesn’t mean that you’re actually helping others (at the bare minimum), and you are definitely not transforming them.
When we are in survival mode in our lives, we are only meeting our basic needs. To step into roles of transformation and liberation, we have to be willing to engage and connect with those around us in meaningful ways. I’m often thinking about my relationships and seeing how my harfmful behaviors show up in the way I cut and undermine those around me who may be struggling. That behavior is about survival. I grew up with so many kids who went down a path of drugs and self-destruction. With such a fear of going down with them, I isolated myself from their behavior. Sure, it saved me. But did it help anyone else?
What worked in your relationships in the past, will not be what you need to thrive in the future.